Guest Post

The Guns of Augusta

By Rick Reilly
Sports Illustrated

Now that the fire is out, the riot has been quelled, the paramedics are gone, the jails are locked down and the National Guard is in control, I have to say that the 2003 Masters was an absolute Hootie. Wouldn't you?

And it all started so innocently.

Martha Burk wrote a little letter asking Augusta National to get a female member. Club president Hootie Johnson answered by saying, basically, "When Hell gets a bobsled team." Feminist groups promised to picket the Masters. The New York Times demanded that Tiger Woods boycott the event. And Jesse Jackson said he'd be there for the women.

For their cause, I mean.

So the tournament started, and for the first time in history, there were throngs of protesters outside the gates of storied Magnolia Lane. There were two main groups: Martha's Mothers, who carried signs saying things like welcome to the ms.sters, and Hotties for Hootie, who were led by Anna Nicole Smith because, as one said, "she's so great with the octogenarians."

Then Ben Wright showed up and said that women couldn't fit into the members' green jackets because "their boobs get in the way." Gloria Steinem hit him over the head with a Big Bertha, and you had yourself a good old-fashioned throwdown.

That convinced CNN to set up a makeshift studio at the new Piggly Wiggly across the street, with Wolf Blitzer at the desk. They called the show Insane at the Lane and started broadcasting nonstop. Next thing you knew, everybody who had a bone to pick with Augusta showed up at the gates.

There were picket signs saying that Augusta was unfair to Asians, Native Americans, Eskimos, North Dakotans, South Dakotans, New Mexicans, Mexicans, gays, poor people and Donald Trump (none of whom are members). Banned CBS analyst Gary McCord was there holding an augusta unfair to me sign.

Jesse Jackson was there, chanting, "We don't want surplus cheese! We just want women's tees!" And Newt Gingrich was walking around handing out newt's for the coots! bumper stickers. All the billionaire CEOs who are members of the club had to sneak past the press by pretending they were pimento-cheese-sandwich deliverymen.

Then Phil Mickelson had a plane fly overhead pulling a sign that read, tiger out of augusta now! And NOW was there with T-shirts that read, a woman's place is at the (practice) range. Then Kenny G showed up, but the fur people mistook his hair for a coonskin cap and hurled a bucket of blood at him. Some of the blood got in the eyes of the old Pinkerton guard manning the gate, and while he was temporarily blinded, Winona Ryder lifted the old guy's keys and let everybody in.

That's when it started getting nuts.

Burk and her adjutants occupied Ike's Cabin -- which the other side sarcastically renamed Dyke's Cabin -- and Hootie and the members holed up in the men's grill, firing black-eyed peas at anybody who wasn't wearing one of their the only iron a woman should hold is a steam iron! T-shirts.

In the middle of all this, the players were trying to win the tournament, which wasn't easy with Johnnie Cochran running all over the place yelling, "How come the balls are white? Where are the balls of color?" and Pat Buchanan holding a prayer vigil at Amen Corner, and PETA down at Rae's Creek trying to save the fish swimming in the green-dyed ponds.

I still can't figure out why Hans Blix and his U.N. inspectors were there.

People kept having to explain to Jimmy Carter that there were no hostages to free. They finally had to get an ambulance for CBS anchor Jim Nantz. Hootie had decided to televise this Masters without any ads, to take the heat off his sponsors; the E.R. guy said no TV announcer could handle the stress of going that long without re-moussing.

But the most frustrated person at Augusta was Tiger Woods, who was trying to become the first man in history to win three straight Masters. He led by 35 shots at one point, despite having to constantly step over and around Dusty Baker's kid, who kept running along the fairways trying to pick up Tiger's ball and bring it back to him.

Hootie finally canceled the whole damn tournament Sunday afternoon, mostly on account of Richard Gere's Tibetan monks meditating in the bunkers, the pile of burning bras on the 18th green (which somebody tried to put out with Andy Rooney) and the desecration of the membership log by Burk, who wrote herself and 50 of her friends in as members.

Tiger had only a four-footer left on 18 when Hootie shut it down. Tiger didn't take the news well. It was the first time anyone had seen a guy come for the green jacket and get taken away in a straitjacket instead.

Still, I think Hillary will make a terrific membership chairwoman, don't you?

Lower Oil Prices?

Handelsbankens equities analyst Lars Maurius Furu thinks so. Following is an excerpt from his email to clients yesterday (thanks to reader J.J. for forwarding it along):

An article in the Washington Post on Saturday, primarily focused on Saudi Arabia's political ties and tensions with the US government, revealed one interesting statement that we believe is relatively new to the market: that Saudi Arabia has very aggressively marketed its products in the US for deliveries in December, according to the Department of Energy. The sources say that the country now produces more than 1 million bpd above its quota. The quota set for 2002 is 7.05 mbpd. The most aggressive estimates of October 2002 Saudi production was 7.75bpd. still the highest for 14 months. The article thus suggests that the Saudis have increased production even more in November, even after the chute we saw in the oil price in October.

This is an indication that the Saudis are starting to see the logic in allowing lower oil prices for a while in order to restore demand, put a brake on new non-OPEC projects, and increase their own power within OPEC. The article suggests that Saudi Arabia has
been able to build foreign exchange reserves of USD 90-100bn in order to weather these measures. If the article's sources are correct, this is exactly our base case oil price scenario only we did not expect to see this clear indications of it until the end of Q1.

Our forecast oil price for 2003 is USD 18/bl, with USD 22/bl in Q1, USD 18/bl in Q2, and USD 16/bl. We expect OPEC will be able to stabilise the oil price at around USD 18/bl from 2004 on. Please refer to our Statoil report ("What if OPEC makes a turn?" of
November 11).

The Kerry Challenge

Mickey Kaus has issued what might be called the Kerry Challenge, asking readers to explain what it is about Senator John Kerry (D-MA) that leaves him so universally disliked. Kaus himself cites the perpetually furrowed brow, which is indeed annoying. Howie Carr lasers in on Kerry's narcissism and opportunism. Back in my Globe days, I found Kerry's unwillingness to take a politically difficult stand off-putting (Kerry couldn't even bring himself to vote for Operation Desert Storm, a lay-up if there ever was one). And then there's the "gloomy Gus" thing, which I reference in the Kerry item below (scroll down).

But the real key to John F. Kerry is probably Billy Bulger's famous line that his initials (JFK) stand for "Just For Kerry." All politicians are self-interested, of course, but they are also collegial. They trade favors back and forth. They help each other out. They keep their word (generally speaking) to one another.

Kerry is perceived, as Kaus says, as "arrogant and aloof." But it's not really that. It's that, even by political standards, he's unusually self- interested and self-involved. During his dating days (after his first marriage ended), I woman I know who had just returned from London, was fixed up with Kerry for a blind date. They went to a nice restaurant and had a good meal. Throughout the various courses, Kerry seemed perturbed that no one in the restaurant recognized him.

No matter, with dessert and coffee he got down to business and began to explain to the recently re-patrioted woman what he would do when he was elected President. She was completely bewildered. Voters will likely experience the same sensation.

The Mother of All Retail

Looking over the NYSE and NASDAQ tables this morning, I was struck by how high the price-earnings ratios continue to be for the companies that comprise the Dow Jones Industrial Average. Of course, earnings have been off this year, so that may partially explain the high multiples. But even if you double the earnings of the Dow Jones 30, the P-E ratios would still be high (if not very high) by historical standards.

One company that has a P-E ratio of roughly 30, however, is likely to see its stock rise sharply on Monday and here's why.

God Help Us

Senator John Kerry (D-MA) will file papers this week with the Federal Election Commission, a pro forma step on the way to a declaration of candidacy for the 2004 Democratic Presidential nomination.

I wrote a lot about Senator Kerry as a columnist for The Boston Globe. He's an able, smart fellow. But he's a bummer. He wears the burdens he bears on his sleeve. This is disconcerting because -- on paper, at least -- his life could hardly be better. He's married to the terrific Theresa Heinz. His children (from his first marriage) are great. He has more money than he can count (Theresa Heinz is one of the richest women in the world). Every advantage God could bestow upon someone has been bestowed on John Kerry.

Yet the tone of his campaigns is always funereal. In John Kerry's view, the glass is always half-empty. After a while, this disconnect between the facts of his life and the woebegone-ness of his rhetoric begins to grate.

I doubt he'll be able to wrest the nomination away from Gore. I doubt anyone can. But Kerry surely won't win a single state primary until he cheers up and walks his campaign down the sunny side of the street.

Al Qaeda's Allies

A chilling tale of Chechen rebels seeking to acquire nuclear weapons can be found here. It is well worth reading.

Paul Krugman's Drivel

I promised myself I would never write another word about New York Times op-ed columnist Paul Krugman because, well, why bother? Unfortunately, in a weak moment at the St. Louis Airport, I made the mistake of reading his most recent screed, which contained the following paragraph:

Fox's Brit Hume even claimed credit for the midterm election. "It was because of our coverage that it happened," he told Don Imus. "People watch us and take their electoral cues from us. No one should doubt the influence of Fox News in these matters." (This remark may have been tongue in cheek, but imagine the reaction if the Democrats had won and Dan Rather, even jokingly, had later claimed credit.)

As it happens, Mr. Hume did not, in his interview on the Imus show, "claim credit" for the midterm election results. He was mocking the notion that he or anyone else at the Fox News Channel had that kind of power. "It was because of our coverage that it happened" was Hume's way of saying that anyone who believed that was an idiot.

The editors of The New York Times op-ed page know this. But they printed Krugman's drivel anyway. And the question is this: Why would you print something that everyone knows is nonsense?

Blog Stop

Ellisblog will not be posting new material this week. A happy Thanksgiving to one and all.

The Osama Letter

A letter, purportedly written by Osama bin Laden, is circulating on the Internet and has been published by The Guardian. You can read it by clicking here. In it, Osama calls America to account for virtually all of the world's ills. The world's best-known mass murderer doesn't like Jews very much, but you probably knew that already. He does, however, support the Kyoto protocols, which is a weird touch.

Their National Anthem is a Beer Commercial

More on the moron controversy. This from people who start weeping when they hear the following advertisement for Molson's beer:

Hey. I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader.
And I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled.

And I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada, although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.

I speak English and French, NOT American. and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing. DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation, AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH, AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS! THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!
.