Disaster

US Forces in Iraq suffered a stunning blow today when R.W. "Johnny" Apple announced -- on the front page of today's New York Times -- that US Forces in Iraq were winning. CNN military analyst Gen. Norman Downing (ret.) said Apple's analysis was "a serious setback for coalition forces" that "could point the way toward quagmire and even defeat." "When Johnny says you're winning," said Downing, "that's when you know you're losing."

Capt. Weir Gonnawin, a US Special Forces operative working near Baghdad Airport, was disheartened by the news. "I'm gonna change my last name to Gonnalose," he said.

Various senior officials at Centcom were unavilable for comment. One official, who asked not to be quoted by name, said: "defeat seems certain now. Just when we 're winning, he has to come along and ruin everything."